Cooking

During my most recent appointment with my oncologist, I talked to him about my desire to get back to the gym. Before undertaking any physical activity like this, I need to clear it with him to make sure I’m not going to do anything dangerous and hurt myself. The goal, as always, is to avoid ending up in the hospital. After our talk, he told me that he did not have any restrictions for me. My oncologist agreed with my idea for me to see a physical therapist just to get that peace of mind.

Last week, I saw a physical therapist who specializes in working with cancer patients. He had me do a series of exercises after going through my medical history. After we were done, he happily told me that he had zero problems with me going back to the gym. The only restrictions I have are avoiding exercises that could aggravate the pain and discomfort I feel in my sternum, such as push ups (haha) and fly exercises. Other than that, I’m good to go.

The day after my appointment with the physical therapist, I signed up with the new gym that opened up in the North Hills. I have an appointment tonight with a personal trainer to help me get started. To say I’m excited is an understatement. I miss being active, I really do. I just felt so much better physically (i.e., sleep, weight) when I was a runner and going to the gym on a regular basis.

However, I probably won’t ever be an active runner again because I am too afraid of the threat of spontaneous fractures. Given that I had a hysterectomy and I take arimidex, the risk of spontaneous fractures is too high for my liking. (Again, the goal is to avoid ending up in the hospital.) Maybe I’ll try to do a 5K again? I will keep hiking for as long as I can, but training for races where I’d have to pound pavement and beat up my knees, etc.? Nope nope nope. That’s a risk I’m not willing to take.

I have already shown that I can run a half marathon and shit, marathons. I have the medals and the memories. Now it’s time to pivot and adjust to my current circumstances, and that means doing activities that someone like myself can do. I know that lifting weights will be extremely beneficial for someone who is at high risk for osteoporosis. I also have no idea if going back to the gym will help me lose any of the 30 lbs I have gained in the last 2+ years. I truly hope so because about 80 percent of my current wardrobe does not fit me haha. It was either join a gym or pay a small fortune to replace my wardrobe. I’m trying the gym route first.

My recent breakup really showed me that I was stuck in so many ways, and I did not even realize it. I was emotionally stuck in a long distance relationship with someone who made it clear he did not want to move back or truly commit to me. When someone repeatedly says they never want to get married, you should believe them. Trust me. I kept thinking if I proved to him that I was nothing like his ex, then maybe he might change his mind. All that got me was getting my ass dumped and heart broken after 6 years with little explanation. He repeatedly asked if we can stay friends, which I flat-out refused for several reasons: 1) I have plenty friends, and the friends I do have are open and honest with me; and 2) I have no desire to wait around for more emotional scraps from him. To protect my peace, I have blocked him on all social media that I can found, and it has helped tremendously.

I recently met a new man, but I won’t go into details here. My stalker Randy still reads my blog for whatever reason, and there’s a chance that D might read this too. I’m going to keep this new, amazing relationship that’s been making me grin from ear to ear to myself. Let’s just say that I’m not stuck in this respect, anymore. I will never ever ever do a long distance relationship again.

I am proud of myself for picking myself up after this breakup and being the one to put myself back together. I have been accomplishing so much with my cooking, and I have seen a difference with my stomach issues. Once I get back into the gym on a regular basis, I’m going to feel like myself again, and all it took was for me to remember to get up swinging again.

I am going through a rough period, although I don’t want to get into the painful details of what’s been going on. However, I will happily discuss what I’ve been doing to work on myself during this time because honestly, I’m proud of myself.

I have never been confident in my life when it comes to cooking. I have had success baking here and there, but cooking? Nope. Growing up, my responsibilities when it came to dinner was setting the table or cleaning the dishes. I never helped out when it came to cooking. I was recently talking with a dear friend of mine, who told me she was always in the kitchen helping her mom, grandma and other extended family members. She was shocked when she heard that I wasn’t, although I imagine hearing this about me made her go, “Ohhhh. That’s why she’s struggled with cooking.”

When I lived with my ex, he was such a picky eater that I ended up never really cooking for the two of us. Any time I tried to cook, he had more criticism than praise, and I just gave up. It was demoralizing whenever I tried for him. I’d just cook for me whenever I did.

My recent ex, he always wanted to just go out and eat, and he generously paid for 95% when we went out. Don’t get me wrong – I won’t complain that a significant other of mine took me out to nice dinners on a regular basis when we were together. It just meant that again, I wasn’t really cooking.

When I did actually cook for myself in the past, I would do the same recipes over and over again. If I didn’t mess the recipe up and it worked in the past, then it would earn its place in my rotation. Nothing wrong with that, but it meant I wasn’t being really creative or confident in the kitchen.

Well, that’s going to change now. I want to get confident in the kitchen once and for all. This old dog is going to learn new tricks. This past week and a half, I have been trying more new recipes than I probably have in years, and oh my god, it’s like I’m opening my eyes for the first time. I seriously did not realize how bad my lack of confidence in the kitchen was until I started trying new recipes and techniques.

I like this version of myself. I feel proud, and I have even had a couple of days where my stomach hasn’t tried to murder me. While I regret that I didn’t try this earlier, all that matters is that I’m here now. This truly feels like significant self improvement, and I’m happy about this. I put myself on a good path here, and it’s not dependent on someone’s else mood or tastes. This is just about me.

About damn time.