Month: September 2022

For the love of g-d, leave me alone

As you probably already figured out, I blocked you on the one dating app because I have no desire to have you in my life. Nothing has changed since 2016 when I said to leave me alone or since 2017, when my then boyfriend sent that email to you telling you to leave me alone. Just because I’m single now, nothing else has changed.

You and I have never been officially been boyfriend girlfriend, and neither one of us has ever said I Love You to each other in the 20 years since we’ve know each other. I have lost count how many fights and arguments we have been with each other, though. You’re the reason I’ve changed my number at least once. Whenever I’ve seen you in public, adrenaline shoots through my body and my fight or flight mode kicks in. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY!

“Our” story isn’t a love story – it’s a cautionary tale.

I am not your friend or your concern, and you are not mine. However, if for some reason, you actually do love me and have genuine affectionate toward me, albeit in a sick and twisted way, then you will do the right thing and leave me alone. You mess with my head and you cause me stress. You are bad for me, and I will not sacrifice my mental or physical health for you or frankly, anyone.

Even though I am not with my boyfriend anymore, he did show me what it was like to be in a loving relationship. That’s what I want again and what I deserve.

I’d rather be content and alone than miserable with someone else in the room.

Consider this my resignation from your life. Just pretend I’ve already died from stage 4 if it helps.

Working on Myself

I am going through a rough period, although I don’t want to get into the painful details of what’s been going on. However, I will happily discuss what I’ve been doing to work on myself during this time because honestly, I’m proud of myself.

I have never been confident in my life when it comes to cooking. I have had success baking here and there, but cooking? Nope. Growing up, my responsibilities when it came to dinner was setting the table or cleaning the dishes. I never helped out when it came to cooking. I was recently talking with a dear friend of mine, who told me she was always in the kitchen helping her mom, grandma and other extended family members. She was shocked when she heard that I wasn’t, although I imagine hearing this about me made her go, “Ohhhh. That’s why she’s struggled with cooking.”

When I lived with my ex, he was such a picky eater that I ended up never really cooking for the two of us. Any time I tried to cook, he had more criticism than praise, and I just gave up. It was demoralizing whenever I tried for him. I’d just cook for me whenever I did.

My recent ex, he always wanted to just go out and eat, and he generously paid for 95% when we went out. Don’t get me wrong – I won’t complain that a significant other of mine took me out to nice dinners on a regular basis when we were together. It just meant that again, I wasn’t really cooking.

When I did actually cook for myself in the past, I would do the same recipes over and over again. If I didn’t mess the recipe up and it worked in the past, then it would earn its place in my rotation. Nothing wrong with that, but it meant I wasn’t being really creative or confident in the kitchen.

Well, that’s going to change now. I want to get confident in the kitchen once and for all. This old dog is going to learn new tricks. This past week and a half, I have been trying more new recipes than I probably have in years, and oh my god, it’s like I’m opening my eyes for the first time. I seriously did not realize how bad my lack of confidence in the kitchen was until I started trying new recipes and techniques.

I like this version of myself. I feel proud, and I have even had a couple of days where my stomach hasn’t tried to murder me. While I regret that I didn’t try this earlier, all that matters is that I’m here now. This truly feels like significant self improvement, and I’m happy about this. I put myself on a good path here, and it’s not dependent on someone’s else mood or tastes. This is just about me.

About damn time.

“Handling it so well.”

For some unknown reason, I have had loved ones and acquaintances tell me, “Lara, you have been handling your Stage 4 so well.” Every time I have heard this, I’ve been taken aback by this comment. Why would anyone think I’m handling my disease so well?

I have lived alone for the past 6 years, and I’ve been working from home for 2.5 years now. I’m not around any single person for extended periods of time. I stopped running, so I’m not seeing my running friends on a regular basis anymore. This is the most isolated I’ve been in my entire life.

Yet, I get these remarks about my state of mind. One day, I’m going to respond, “Am I handling it so well, or do you only see what I want you to see or hear?”

The weeks leading up to my 3-month scans always do a number on my mental state. I wonder, “Is this going to be the scan that changes everything?” As of right now, my cancer does not appear to be motivated and content to stay put in my sternum. I used to be anxious and scared out of my mind that my cancer was going to come back stage 4, and now that it’s confirmed stage 4, I’m anxious and scared out of my mind that my cancer is going to spread throughout my body.

How is anyone supposed to “handle this well”? I don’t think it’s socially acceptable for me to be periodically shrieking to people, “Do you know how fucking scared I am?” I have to deal with this the best I can because again, I live alone and there’s nobody coming along to “save me” and take care of me when I can no longer take care of myself. You know how terrifying that is?

What’s going to happen to me?

Living with stage 4 cancer is like staring down a mama grizzly bear alone in a forest. It’s not a matter of if but when.

I honestly believe several of the people who have said this to me wanted to convince themselves that I’m okay and totally don’t need any help. That way, they don’t have to ask or actually do anything. Out of sight, out of mind, amirite?

I am so appreciative of my friends and loved ones who have not assumed my state of mind and sincerely ask how I am doing. I am definitely grateful to be able to still work because it ensures a 40-hour reprieve from all things stage 4 cancer. This disease is full of emotional landmines, plus all the side effects that come with treatment (i.e., joint pain, weight gain, stomach problems, sleep issues, etc.).

I am handling this the best I can, but for the love of dog, don’t ever assume you know what’s going on with me. That just infuriates me.