“I didn’t get to grow up and pull away from her and bitch about her with my friends and confront her about the things I’d wished she’d done differently and then get older and understand that she had done the best she could and realize that what she had done was pretty damn good and take her fully back into my arms again. Her death had obliterated that. It had obliterated me. It had cut me short at the very height of my youthful arrogance. It had forced me to instantly grow up and forgive her every motherly fault at the same time that it kept me forever a child, my life both ended and begun in that premature place where we’d left off. She was my mother, but I was motherless. I was trapped by her, but utterly alone. She would always be the empty bowl that no one could full. I’d have to fill it myself again and again and again.”
— Cheryl Strayed, “Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail.”
Back in February, my blog post “Don’t Disappear from the Pictures,” which I had cross-posted on The Huffington Post, was well received. Much to my surprise, it received thousands of likes, and the blog was shared more than 1,800 times. When my friend, Julia, read it, she messaged me on Facebook, and highly recommended I read the book “Wild.” She promised I would love it, and I would relate to it 100 percent. She then assigned it to me as a book report and get back to her in two weeks.
Yeah. . . it took me three months to finish, though that had nothing to do with the book itself. Sorry Julia!
Cheryl Strayed is an amazing writer. Hands-down, this is the best memoir I have ever read. (Right now, I’m reading “Orange is the New Black,” and I’m noticing a difference between showing, not telling – Piper Kerman tells and Cheryl Strayed shows.) I highly recommend everyone should read this, especially if you’ve experienced a profound loss in your life. Even though Cheryl’s situation was different than mine – her mother died of cancer when she was in her early 20s, and mine died of cancer when I was only 7 – the emotions and the ache for your mother when you need her the most is the same. I related to her anguish, sorrow and determination to figure out her life without her mother in it.
When I came across the above passage, I re-read it several times, just letting the words soak in. “She would always be the empty bowl that no one could fill. I’d have to fill it myself again and again and again.” The loss of my mother has defined me – the motherless girl. She died at an age where I never fought with her. I didn’t rebel against her or done any other teenage-angst daughter stuff that mothers endure. Since she died when I was seven years old, she was frozen in time as the Ideal Mother. She was my fantasized “what if” world. When I reached adulthood, I began viewing her as a real person, someone who was far from perfect but loved her family very much.
When I reached adulthood, the loss of my mother defined me again – I had to get annual screenings for the same disease that killed her. I didn’t have her guidance or knowledge as I navigated breast cancer myself. I never felt as alone or as empty as I did during chemotherapy. I had to keep filling my bowl, so speak, by befriending others going through this as well. I didn’t have her, but I wasn’t alone.
“Wild” inspired me. Her story made me even more determined to work on my story, and make it count. To show, not tell. To pour my heart into my story, just like Cheryl Strayed did.