When were you diagnosed (initially and then at stage 4, that is, if you were not stage 4 off the bat) and at what age? What type of breast cancer (i.e., er+ or triple neg)?
I got the call that the biopsy came back positive for cancer on November 19, 2013. A couple weeks later, a PET scan and a second biopsy confirmed it was already metastatic to the liver. I’m ER/PR+, Her2-, invasive ductal carcinoma.
I was 39 years old.
What is life like as a metser?
Not easy. Coping with this for me is a weird dichotomy of knowing I’m going to die, and hoping I’m going to live. I wrote a blog post a while back comparing it to a Hail Mary pass in a football game. You’ve got four seconds left on the clock, and you know you’re going to lose the game, but you still keep your butt parked on the bleachers because those Hail Mary passes can and do sometimes happen in those last few seconds.
I spend time getting things ready for my funeral, arranging a pre-pay insurance, writing the obituary, figuring out what hospice I want to use, that sort of thing. It feels like the more I plan and get out of the way, the freer I am to live my life and not worry about the details. I plan for my death so I can live.
I don’t want to die. Last night I had a sobbing, screaming panic about reality. I don’t want to die. I want to be able to stay here forever, I want to grow old with my wife, I want to see the first humans on Mars, I want to be a little old lady in a nursing home someday weirding out the CNAs and decorating my room with print outs of cat macros. I don’t want to die. It’s not fair. I have so much I wanted to do, so much I still want to do. It’s not fair.
Would you say the general public as a whole knows a lot about breast cancer?
No. They know it exists, but not much beyond that. There is awareness, but pink has normalized breast cancer to the extent that we no longer think of the dying. People are aware that breast cancer is a thing that happens, but nothing more. It’s assumed that people don’t die from breast cancer anymore, that there’s a cure now, it’s just an easy rite of passage of womanhood and it’s nothing to worry about anymore.
It’s not even a chronic, treatable disease. It’s killing us and it’s not slowed down in decades. It’s not a pink, pretty, sexy, easy disease with a free boob job. We’re dying. And the general public doesn’t really know nor care.
What does “breast cancer awareness” mean to you?
It means making the public aware that pink ribbons don’t save lives, early detection doesn’t “cure” breast cancer, and that if you have breast cancer, you’re at a risk of metastasis, period. It’s not a disease that strikes older women; young women can get it too. It’s not even a woman’s disease, men get breast cancer, and the general public isn’t aware of this. There’s awareness of a generic concept of breast cancer, what we need now is awareness of the reality of this disease. That’s seriously lacking.
What type of misconceptions about breast cancer have you encountered? Has anyone ever said something ignorant to you, obviously not knowing what stage 4 breast cancer is?
I’ve been told that breast cancer is a ‘rite of passage’. Someone expressed relief when they found out I had breast cancer, because it’s one of the “good ones”. I was told “your hair’s growing back, though. That’s good, right?” when I was trying to explain that I was never going to be out of treatment for metastatic breast cancer.
What makes you happy?
My wife, primarily. This has been incredibly hard on her, and we have so many regrets and fears and anger about having our years together robbed by this. She is everything to me. I fight so hard against this disease because I want to stay with her forever.
What advice would you give someone who truly does want to help the breast cancer community, especially those with metastatic breast cancer?
Pay attention to where the money goes. Don’t assume that because it’s a pink ribbon, it helps anyone. There’s a multi-million dollar merchandising industry being built on the backs of the dead and the dying. Be aware of how little goes to metastatic research. Be aware that you’re not “in the clear” at any magical point. A cure for metastasis is a cure for you too. Be aware that breast cancer is being normalized and sexualized and turned into a profit machine. You are worth more than your breasts. Be aware that mammograms are not perfect. For younger women, they’re often ineffectual due to the density of breast tissue. Even for older women, they might not always show up on scans.
We deserve more, we deserve better treatment, better awareness, better research into a valid, viable cure which will benefit all stages. The death rate from metastasis has not changed over the last 40 years. Early detection isn’t saving lives. We need funding into research, and we need people to be more aware of what their dollars support.
But perhaps the most important thing is to let us have our voice. Don’t hush us up or put us in the corner and give us bare bones acknowledgment because we’re your worst nightmare. We’re dying. Don’t begrudge us our remaining time to have a voice to speak out against this disease. Don’t tell us we’re wrong when we point out the stats and the funding. Don’t defend those who want us to be quiet. You might find yourself walking in our shoes. If you don’t want to be where we are, let us try to make history and give us enough awareness for a shot at finding a cure.
We’ll be quiet enough when we’re dead.