When a new year comes around, I really don’t like making New Year’s resolutions. I feel like most of the time, that’s setting myself up for disappointment because if I don’t hit every goal, I feel like a failure. I do make the same resolution each year: read more books. If I don’t meet that goal, it’s okay because it’s all about the pursuit (i.e., reading like a fiend).

This year, though, feels a bit different since my [redacted] diagnosis. While I am not sick again, there are preventative steps I need to take to ensure that I stay as healthy as I can be. [Redacted] rests for no one, and I have to stay ahead.

That being said, I feel a sense of urgency that I have never felt before. What if [redacted] means that sooner, rather than later, I cannot run or exercise like I can do now? What if the preventative steps I have to take negatively affects me both emotionally and physically? I have no idea what this damn diagnosis is going to do to me short term or long term.

Everything feels uncertain, hence the sense of urgency when it comes to my current state of health and physicality. How long is this going to last?

I have signed up for several races this year that I would have kept pushing off to “some day.”  I am signed up for the Pittsburgh Full marathon, Hyner 25K, and Glacier Ridge 30K. Best boyfriend and I also want to bike the Great Allegheny Passageway in the fall. To prepare for all of this, I have been running four days a week and doing a weights/core workout two days a week.

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I also want to find three or four half marathons to do this year. Five might be pushing it, but it’d be cool to reach 20 half marathons this year.

For the first time in my running career, I’m giving it 100 percent, which I am ashamed to admit. [Redacted] lit a fire in me that I didn’t know I had, which I am also ashamed to admit. I never wanted to be the person who waited until a medical diagnosis to change her life.

I think I can redeem myself by never allowing myself become inspiration porn. I hope my friends will stage a personality intervention if I whore myself out as some sickie who overcome obstacles inspiration for others. Ugh, no thank you. If I call this a journey, I want one of you to slap me in the face. Please and thank you.

I always, always, want to be known as some middle-aged woman who’s the #worldsokayestrunner.

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I plan to reach these goals with the same snark and self-deprecation that have defined my adulthood. It might not be pretty and involve a lot of cursing, and it will never involve inspirational quotes.  If that revs your engine, that’s awesome. I’m going to use spite, anger, and stubbornness to get me where I’m going.

[Redacted] has taken a lot from me, and it’s about time I take something the fuck back.

One thought on “2019

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