Month: November 2025

Thoughts and Feelings

Thanksgiving 2025 has come and gone, and I am just filled with so much gratitude. I recently had another round of scans, and they showed that my cancer is still just chilling out only in my sternum. It’s as lazy as I am on the weekends. I remain grateful that my cancer is not motivated and is content to hang out in my sternum for the time being.

I find myself wanting to be a better version of myself, and I need to kick myself out of this rut that I’m feeling. I see a trainer two days a week, but if I want to have a remote chance at completing Hyner, I have to step it up big time and make some serious changes to my day-to-day.

If I keep doing the same thing over and over and hoping that somehow things will be different, then I can’t getting mad at myself for not achieving what I want. What I want is to do some cool ass shit on trails and do so without injuring myself. How am I going to do that when I’m so unmotivated and out of shape?

I can do this. I can change. I can make changes, challenge myself, and be more than my stage 4 diagnosis.

Big things are going to happen. Just you watch.

Eccentric

I think I have the personality and countenance to become a great eccentric. I am talking about caftans, calling all my friends “darling,” and wearing brooches and bangle bracelets.

I’ve known since I was a little kid that I was weird and different. I felt more at peace and calm with my nose in a book or hanging out with other weirdo kids. Those who don’t feel like they belong often seek out others who don’t feel like they belong. I am proud to say that I am still friends with my fellow weirdo classmates.

Since hitting my 5-year mark, I have felt this urge to really lean into my eccentricities. I’ve been dressing in comfy stretchy pants and t-shirts that make me giggle. However, I’ve been feeling…. disconnected. I look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t recognize the middle-aged schlub that I see looking back at me.

Logically, I know cancer treatment and side effects are to blame for my feeling of low self esteem. The weight gain and hair loss have been hard. However, I watched Stacy London and Clinton Kelly for years telling women to dress for the bodies that they currently have and stop waiting to achieve that number on the scale. So I want to take those lessons I’ve learned, and dress for the body I currently have.

I work from home and don’t go out much. I’m a 45 year old homebody who loves being home. There will always be chances to go out and dress the way that I want to. I have more tattoos to add to my body, too.

I will achieve peak eccentric old lady, and it will be glorious.