My most recent scans consisted of a brain MRI, CT chest with contrast, and a nuclear bone scan. My oncologist told me that if these scans came back all clear, then I could push my next round of scans until six months. I was excited about this because less cancer-related disruption to my life would be amazing.

My brain scan and CT with contrast came back stable and unremarkable. My nuclear bone scan was my last scan, and I wasn’t expecting any bad news because I didn’t think I was feeling any new symptoms. I mean, now and then, I would feel a sharp pain in my shins but that didn’t scream “METASTASTIS” to me. Now and then, I would also feel minor weakness in my leg. In my mind, I was just feeling aches and pains due to being a 44 year old cancer patients and former runner.

Well, the nuclear bone scan came back with a potential new finding in my left femur.

Womp womp.

Is it progression (aka my Ibrance is now failing me)? We don’t know.

The oncologist’s NP called me and said that they want me to get a new bone scan in 3 months, and I scheduled my scan for 1/2/2025. Not my ideal way to start the new year, but eh, what can I do? My inner circle is amazing, and so many have asked me, “How are you feeling?” They have been wonderfully concerned with my anxiety and mental health in general.

Honestly, I am quite alright, which has been surprising to my therapist and myself.

Am I nervous and scared that my first line of treatment might be failing me? Of course.

Am I going to live in a constant state of nervousness and fear until my next scan? No.

While I am not a religious person by any means, I do find comfort in the Serenity Prayer.

O God and Heavenly Father,
Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

I cannot change what has happened or currently happening. If my cancer has indeed progressed, then I will deal with it once we confirmed that it is progression. Until then, I just do not have the energy to freak out about the “what ifs.” I will wait to freak out until my oncologist tells me bad news.

In the meantime, I am going to focus on my job and trying to pay off the debt from my kitchen remodel and basement from hell. If I panic and flail now, then I am doing myself a disservice. I truly have a lot to do, and I need all the mental strength to keep moving forward until I have a confirmed roadblock ahead.

This is just the reality of living with metastatic cancer. I am under no delusion that this is going to be easy for me and that I will never deal with bad news or my health getting worse. I have accepted that this is my reality a long time ago. Obviously I hope that I respond exceptionally well to treatment for years and years to come. I also understand that this is just what metastatic cancer is and does. I’m not special, and I don’t believe God has singled me out to be some sort of inspirational cancer patient.

Cancer is smart, and it is ruthless. I know what I am up against. It’s not a battle. It’s a marathon.